@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Time flies when you're having beer.

   This may be the wine talking but... "Help! He's drinking me.., he's drinking me!"

   I bought a goldfish... named it after my ex-girlfriend and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

   If my fortune cookie said "You will die a violent death today," I would still add "in bed" to the end and laugh.

   wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

   I just watched an erectile dysfunction commercial for ten minutes before I realized it was Entourage.

   Look... if you have both toilet paper and bath towels in your bathroom... I am going to assume you are giving me a choice.

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   The only sex tape I'm familiar with is duct tape.

   The slogan "America runs on Dunkin'" pretty much sums up where we are as a country.

   The doctor called me in his office and said be positive. I said why doc what's wrong? He said nothing... that's your blood type.

   Went bowling last night.... because I like jamming my thumb where a million other people have jammed their thumbs.

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   Next time I go to the opera... I'm taking my own fat lady in case I need to leave early.

   You know what is better than dry shampoo? Showering.

   ... and then confuse people into thinking it's the rest of your previous status update when it isn't.

   I'm pretty sure Knick, Knack and Patty Whack have given me the bone today.

   When I die, I want to be cremated regardless of cost... I feel like I've urned it.

   doesn't accept blame well... but it's not my fault.