Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   Are you gonna eat that... or just take pictures?

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that." - Life

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   if you have a job where you have to wear a nametag, nobody gives a sh!t what your name is.

   It's a lot easier to get over someone when you realize that you shouldn't have been underneath them in the first place.

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   My girlfriend does this awesome trick with a cherry stem in her mouth. She doesn't talk for about 7 minutes.

   My wife was absolutely furious when she discovered I had untagged myself from some photos she put on Facebook. I said, "They were really embarrassing!" "Embarrassing???" She screamed, "It was our f*cking wedding day you b@stard!"

   My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyway.

   When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.

   Sorry used to mean that you won't do it again. Today it just means "I fcked up but I might do it again."

   My brain is giving me the silent treatment.

   I'm only on here for entertainment. Please don't try and make me learn anything.

   I just found human hairs in my McDonald's burger. When did they start using natural ingredients?

   Boil an egg and put in on a plate in front of a kid and they will gag... Color it blue and put stripes on it and hide it in the sand box and they will fist fight over it..

   I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   Skills can be taught. Character you either have or you don't have.

   When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said "Sorry, it won't happen again."