Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm afraid people can see me through my web cam even though its off.

   Hey websites, I will always "skip intro", so knock it off.

   A Rabbit's foot is considered good luck! A Camel's toe should be considered really good luck!!

   Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I've been using them for all this time?

   Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, "Yeah, I saw your Facebook post."

   I find those "No shirt, no shoes, no service" signs very misleading because they never say anything about having to wear pants. Apparently, I was wrong... now gotta go to court on Thursday...

   When I hear somebody sigh, "Life is hard," I am always tempted to ask, "Compared to what?"

   You may call it "alcohol abuse" but I've never heard the alcohol complaining.

   It took civilization thousands of years to get us off the farm, and Facebook just one year to send people back.

   I need some transition time from the weekend... can we drink during lunch breaks this week to get back to normal?

   My opinions are like farts, so hard to hold 'em in. When one slips, everyone's gonna know it and at least one person is gonna leave the room.

   My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.

   If you're only interested in me when I'm ignoring you, I'm about to become irresistible.

   It takes patience to listen.., it takes skill to pretend you're listening.

   Release frustration wisely: Have angry sex.

   FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   Work is givin' us a piss test to celebrate our new contract. I just put glitter in mine... good luck tryin' to figure that one out muthafuckas!

   Life is like a pen!s: simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's women who make it hard.

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.