life Funny Status Messages

   Keep smiling... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you.

   Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

   "Life's too short to remove USB safely"

   I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.

   *Slices up lemons right in front of life*

   Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.

   In my next Life I am coming back with money and looks instead of this sparkling personality crap ....

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   So I guess Wells Fargo bank is hiring in case you need a job and don't hate your life enough already.

   Visited a horse farm for the first time in my life yesterday and asked if the place the horses stay is called a neigh-borhood. I need to get out more.

   Bouncing happily through life on a pogo stick made of delusion.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   She said "My love life is complicated." I said "No, nuclear physics is complicated. You're just a slut."

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   A cigarette shortens life by 2 min,a beer shortens life by 4 minutes,a Monday at work shortens life by 8 hours

   If life gives you melons... get a good sports bra.

   Life would be a million times better if there were pinatas strategically placed throughout the day.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   My mother taught me to never argue with strangers on the Internet. She said I must agree to meet them in real life, and then punch them in the face.