Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   Think Big. Think Positive. Think Smart. Think Beautiful. Think Great. I know,that's too much for you, so here is a shortcut. JUST THINK ABOUT ME!

   When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and break down crying.

   95% of American drivers say "oh sh!t!" before driving into a ditch... The other 5% are rednecks saying "hold my beer and watch this sh!t."

   If you can go the entire car ride without eating some of your french fries, you're obviously some type of sorcerer.

   Never give a woman a straight answer. Give them gay answers, they love gay answers.

   A jealous girlfriend is a faithful girlfriend. If she doesnt get jealous when someone has your attention, it's because someone has hers.

   I heard the new NBA 2K13 is so real that when Kobe gets the ball, the pass button just stops working.

   When life gives you lemons, order the lobster tail.

   Sometimes I click the "LIKE" button on people's statuses just so I can then click the "UNLIKE" button. One of my many cheap thrills...

   Moving sucks! Why hasn't anyone invented Copy and Paste for real life?

   The way to a girl's heart is presents. The way to a woman's heart is presence.

   When writing the story of your life... Don't let anyone hold the pen!!!

   If a super villain attacks my house whose only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out place, he is so f'ked.

   Air Freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you've just taken a sh*t...

   Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   You health nuts are gonna feel real stupid when you're laying in the hospital dying of nothing.

   "Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook!

   MTV has announced the cancellation of the show "Jersey Shore." Please join me in a moment of silence. OK, that was too long.

   If you're telling me to relax, it's probably your fault that I'm not.