Funny Status Messages

   Does the "Baby On Board" sign help us decide which car not to hit ?

   Marriage tip #8: Your wife values honesty. So if your wife asks you if her best friend is prettier than her, just say "yes". Your wife will value and appreciate your opinion, and she will love you more for it.

   What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

   When the economy is bad biscuit companies don't complain, they just remove one piece

   I just heard two lesbians arguing. One said "if you ain't cheating" let me smell your mouth...

   “I just called to say I love you.” -Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

   you're so old; you were an eye witness to the birth of agriculture.

   fricking elf on the shelf robbed my house! Little bastard took everything! If you see him, call me!

   When you're stressed, You eat Ice cream, Cake, Chocolate & Sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

   He died doing what he loved, sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

   My bank’s collections department is particularly aggressive. In retrospect, the name “Chase” may have been a red flag.

   Some day Rick Astley will die and no one will dare click on the headline.

   Thanks to the words "dude", "bro", and "man", I haven't said my best friends name in 10 years.

   Wouldn’t it be great to hear a priest say “been there, done that” in reply to your confessed sins?

   If you don't own a dog whistle then you can always use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   They're called "Heated Seats" because "Rear Defroster" was already taken.

   Marriage tip: If your wife is upset with you, simply tell her that you'll buy her some crayons if she wants to keep acting like a child. After hearing this, she will immediately reflect on her behavior and calm down.

   "Is this really necessary?" -My voicemail greeting

   Ego and Superego go into a bar. The bartender says "Sorry boys, I need to see some ID."

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me to "relax...it's only gas".