Funny Status Messages

   "Insecure ass women cant accept any guybeing more successful than they are andanger is the shield..."

   I have eggs in a carton in the back of the frig. I think they've been there for months. They now may be an I.E.D. I don't know what to do. Advise please, OVER?

   Hot girls TBT are from last year. Fat girls TBT are from the last decade.

   I have a feeling that if I were _______ my wife would play with my pen1s a lot more...

   This Herbal Essences body spray isn't working like I had hoped.

   There was an explosion in the Men's room where I work. I'm fine but they will have to replace the toilet I was sitting on.

   Would never do the postcode lottery because you share with neighbours !!! There's no way on this fkin Earth would I shar

   Whenever an action movie hero is like "I know someone who can help us, guy owes me a favor" it means he let that guy suck his weenie.

   Well if I was going to get a disease, getting legionnaires disease sounds like I should have a handle bar mustache and monocle while drinking scotch.

   My safeword is Pineapple

   baby your a$$ is fine but stop bringing your donkey to the club.

   I never leave the house because my phone charger cord isn't long enough.

   Yes, I'm in a complicated relationship. Trying to decide which hand to use makes things more difficult than you can imagine.

   You can pour coffee into the reservoir marked “water” on your coffee maker. You can do this as many times as you want!!! Science!!!

   There's no I in TEAM but if you rearrange the letters you can spell MEAT and EAT M. See, I can turn anything you say into something dirty

   The world is effed up when boy bands sing about Jack and country singers sing about Crown...

   The price humans pay for walking upright is being the only species on the planet that has to wipe their ass after a nice bowel movement. Goodnight.

   Can't wait to date myself on Valentine's Day

   ME: "Boss, I can't come in today. I have a bad case of" *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? DAUGHTER: "Boogerits" *to phone* its boogerits"

   Love is so sweet makes my heart beat ...My heart skip a beat