Marshall The Great Funny Status Messages

   Hey, look at the bright side... oh I'm sorry, YOU don't have one of those.

   This Tequila tastes like future bad decisions.

   With the price of printer ink so high, it would probably be more cost-effective to keep a giant aquarium full of squid and harvest my own.

   I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! I love doing laundry! Nope, it's just not working...

   I make a mean cup of coffee. This one just told me that it hopes I have a crappy day. :(

   Please tell me again how "Ninja training" is not an acceptable excuse to miss work for the rest of the week??? This is bullsh!t!!!

   Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time!

   Having great sex after a long dry-spell is like a car accident. The next day you're sore in places you wouldn't think possible.

   If you get a booty call at 3AM.…. You probably weren't first on the list.

   I'm tired of boiled eggs so I'm hiding scrambled eggs this year.

   Having alcohol by yourself at home is considered a problem, but social drinking is acceptable. So whenever I open a mason jar of moonshine, I always log on to Facebook.

   Just once I'd like to learn something the easy way.

   What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?

   I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don't understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.

   If you see a woman drinking Coors immediately ask her on a date cause she'll swallow anything.

   Be yourself, you already have the costume.

   If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don't live longer, just seems longer.

   Anyone know where I could find a bunch of "Glad You Aren't Here" postcards to send out when I go on my vacation in a few weeks? I'll need about 50 of them.

   I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.

   If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.