Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I want to become a receptionist so I can say "Your son Rip is on line toot"

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   Five Secrets of Successful People: 1. Don't 2. Tell 3. Anyone 4. Your 5. Secrets

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war

   Just had a monster workout. (Bench pressed with Frankenstein then ran a 5K with an goblin.)

   A baggage carousel is the least fun carousel ever.

   All grocery store bathrooms are required by law to look like the set of one of the "Saw" movies.

   In line at CVS I leaned close to the lady in front of me and whispered "boots with the fuuuuur." Now she's gone and I'm next.

   I got you something better than a present. I wrote "happy birthday dude" on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.

   "BLARGH...mmm, this looks good. nom nom nom...BLARGHH...hey, where'd this come from? yum!...BLARGHHH..." - my dog, throwing up

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   I once met a guy who wrecked himself. He was always bummed he hadn't checked himself first. So sad.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   Dude is that Matchbox 20? Turn that up. Said no one ever.

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   If I ever go on "Wheel of Fortune," I'm going to buy all the vowels, then give them to poor kids in Africa

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   They tried to send Amy Winehouse to the coroner but she said no, no, no. Just kidding, she's dead and didn't say anything.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them