Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I thought you had a moment of holiday cheer come over you. It was gas, you are disgusting.

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   NAACP blasts CNN for its lack of diversity in prime time. Strangely silent on MSNBC wonderbread lineup.

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   I got first draft in my fantasy foosball team. Once again, my top pick: the plastic dude with the metal rod through his torso.

   Why does everyone love dolphins so much? They're mammals that can breathe under water and they're smarter than us. We should be worried.

   If these walls could talk, they'd say "OH GOD, This HURTS! Get these nails out of me! Why did you paint me Mauve? Make it stop!"

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   I don't have regrets, I have times I was "just bein' Miley."

   someone ended a tweet to me with "STFU." I've no doubt they were referring to St. Fu the patron saint of long mustaches.

   After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.

   When covertly referencing your bathroom necessities, instead of using 'number 1 or number 2', we should say "I have to R2D2 or C3peeO"

   My Mama is gonna be so mad when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them

   The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller

   I have a ton of children's book ideas. Has anyone ever done an uplifting tale about a kitten on the Titanic?

   The problem with dating models is the handle of your toothbrush always ends up mysteriously smelling like throat.

   47% of Detroit residents cannot read. No kidding, they would have read the signs welcoming them to Detroit and leave.

   Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.

   The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now."