MBH Funny Status Messages

   The only reason I'd want to be both rich and famous is so that I can arrange dates with pretentious gold-diggers that are aware of my wealth and status -- then pick them up for our date in a beat-up, lime green Kia Rio and see their reaction.

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   If all of the whitening brightening toothpaste I used delivered, my teeth would now be fluorescent.

   When I get rich the first thing I'm going to do is to buy a new butt, because the one I have now has a crack in it.

   Be careful where you walk. You don't want to get cut on any broken dreams.

   Finding a wasp in your car is already plenty scary, but I swear the thing was also singing Tupac's "Ambitions of a Rider." Now you're just taunting me, dude.

   So gingivitis isn't the fear of redheads?

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   I just got a job that pays .000002 million!!

   Fantasizing about your upcoming vacation is usually better than the vacation itself.

   A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

   If you're going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you...

   I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   When I have kids I hope that they are grateful and can appreciate the value of a dollar... not always requesting designer clothes, the best and newest toys and video games, and non-generic food. In other words, I hope they are nothing like me.

   My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."