Funny Status Messages

   I fell in love with an Irish girl from the bad part of town. She had no time for me. She'd rather do the jig.

   I can't seem to find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day. choose wisely.

   The saddest part in Star Wars history: People rating The Last Jedi low because their shyt fantheories didn't come true.

   walking sideways and thinking..... I should have had a V8

   Oh Facebook! you go through more Design Changes than Women do wid clothes!!

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   dyslexics UNTIE!

   Are rectal thermometers filled with Freddie Mercury?

   I bet Obama is mad he had to put that suit back on!

   Yeah, keep complaining about the new Facebook. Unless you PAY FOR IT, I don't think any of us have the room to complain.

   Fri(END), Boyfri(END), Girlfri(END), Bestfri(END). Everything has an END except...Fam(ILY)! <3 Love and take care of eachother...

   Error 404: Jesus not found.

   hates what you're wearing

   I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

   Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

   My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college. Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

   A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

   The worse name that trump has ever given to someone is Don jr.

   i decided to go to church for the first time ever this morning...just to laugh hysterically...yeah...i was quickly kicked out...