Funny Status Messages
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not hiding in the closet eating cupcakes....nom..nom nom 
Every Saturday night I go to the same casino, use the same machine, use the same numbers and it spits out loads of cash. You'd think they would call it something cooler than "ATM".
I'm in the dog house.... so I guess doggie style it is....
Husband and I just burped at exactly the same time and it's the closest we've come to having sex this week.
[creating a sloth] God: Take that roadkill over there and make it blink
I’m a go getter And right now I’m a go getter nap
My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Pokemon. Yes, I'm an underachiever.
Another Playboy model has come out, saying she had an affair with Trump, 2 years into his marriage with Melania. Trump, you horny old goat, you!
With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"
Someone just gave me half of a peace sign. Weird.
Does any one cares about KKK, white supremacy, Neo-Nazi, illigal immigrants, Confederate Statues in Houston? Just asking for a friend
My washing machine excites me more than you will ever know !
How is my Facebooking? call 1-800-DIS-LIKE
some people have their baby ruths or their michael jordan or wayne gretzky or dan marinos but my idol is adam from man vs. food.
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
On an upcoming episode of "man vs wild" Bear encounters a crododile, shark invested waters and his most dangerous incounter, an out of control jet blue flight attendent.
the journey of one thousand miles begins with a single cup of coffee
some weird fat man with a white beard wearing red clothes just shoved me into a big red sock... OK people, which one of you asked to get me for Christmas??
thinks we should go into the dressing room at Wal-mart and say..Ummm excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?
Damn! Why did Friday the 13th have to be today...it's only the middle of the week! 