Funny Status Messages
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typed this with her toes. 
doesn't believe we put a man on the moon.
you can have a warm glass of shut the hell up, now you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep....your in my world now grandma!!
You know those couples where the wife is 40 something and looks like 20 something, and the husband makes over 100k and the teenagers are respectful and good looking and they go out to eat together on Friday nights as a family? I HATE those people!
This Thanksgiving, comedians, especially Alec Baldwin, should give thanks for Trump.
Today only: PetSmart is giving away free canaries with no perches necessary.
Holly Christ!! I'm as high as whoever wrote the Bible.
You will never get sleep with a redhead because they are soulless gingers and will steal you away when you sleep
immeasurably happy'
You know you're getting older when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
never call a newborn "My little tax deduction" in front of your wife.... Trust me.
Trump lost the trade war with Mexico, bwahahahahaha! Get use to losing all the time, with dump in office, America will keep on losing!
Wife asked me if I wanted to play Cornhole? I said inside or outside? She just turned and walked away.
Girl: You have a big stomach, you cant even see your own feet! GUY: I let it get big like this so I won't have to look at your face while you suck my D***!..
Happy Father's Day to all the single mothers who do both roles due to dead beat dads.
100 percent natural
My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.
why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.
Smoke your dirty weed nobody cares just stop trying to justify it to people who don't smoke
As I was driving in the city I saw my ex crossing the street and the term, "I'd hit that", took on a whole new meaning! 