Funny Status Messages

   Reminiscing of the days when "Daddy drinks because you cry" was just sarcasm

   Rejection from a girl at the club only hurts if your desire to get laid is weaker than your commitment to get drunk.

   If I give you a dollar, will you buy a clue?

   go ahead follow in my footsteps but is warning you [s]he walks into walls

   We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!!!!!

   Life is like a giant clogged up toilet If only someone was able to fix it...

   There is such a thing as making too good of an impression on the first date. I've wined and dined you superbly and we've had great conversation... now I gotta be Don Julio in the sack or this house of cards is gonna crumble.

   Ultrasonic teeth scaling at the dentist HAD to been invented by Josef Mengele....SONOFAB*TCH that hurts sometimes.

   When going voting I always feel like I am playing a game of pacman with the people out front trying to get you to sign stuff

   I upgraded...am I supposed to feeel differntly?

   My integrity is not for sale and won't be until it can fetch a better price.

   Those who criticize usually have nothing else better to do, or expect someone else to do it for them!

   Old saying is that curiosity killed the cat, but I am pretty sure it was that '16 Ford Expedition

   I thought it was PMS, but apparently wild mood swings and mango cravings are just part of who she is

   No thanks. 5 hours of energy sounds way too upsetting.

   If you have a bladder infection, "urine" trouble.

   Great now there’s a lipoflavonoid challenge. I have no idea what that is but it doesn’t sound good

   I'm okay with you being stup!d, but when you're both stup!d AND stubborn, then Houston, we have a problem.

   Happiness is the best drug on earth and I want to be the number one drug dealer

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.