Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   "Chickpeas? Chick, please! Check please!" - guy who hates garbanzo beans complaining to waitress about how she brought him garbanzo beans

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches

   Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.

   A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat

   "Cookies n cream" ice cream is really just cookies and ice cream.

   Nobody knows the person you no longer want to be like your family.

   Too many kids don't know what it's like to enjoy a book the old-fashioned way (watching the movie version on VHS the night before a test).

   I scream. You scream. Others begin to scream frightened by our screaming. Panic ensues. Riots breakout... next time just ask for ice cream.

   I have an irrational fear of parking by a dumpster at night because I think a gorilla will jump out of it.

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   Probably didnt think through the whole yelling at my boss 'Youre not the boss of me, Bruce Springsteen is.'

   Got a tattoo that's says "mom". My mom got a tattoo that says "what". We're tattoo texting.

   Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago

   I just told my kids that our dog died, when in reality he went off to live happily on a farm somewhere

   Hey Kermit, there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   "You should know that when I say it ain't nothin' but a G thang, sometimes it *is* more than just a G thang!" - passive-aggressive Dr. Dre

   I got 98.988 problems and rounding up is one of them.