Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   You don't want to look back on your life and say, "I just made it through."

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'

   Halloween isn't really that different than any other day... everyone's still pretending to be someone or something their not.

   A man went to see a psychiatrist, wearing only Gladwrap shorts. The shrink said, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

   Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

   Dear Children, When you look in your closet, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.

   Silence is a girl's loudest cry. You can always tell she's really hurt when she starts ignoring you.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   Sometimes when I'm scrolling through the Facebook news feed... I come across a really good status... and I think... now this guy is awesome... just as I'm about to like it... I'm like...oh wait that ones mine!!!

   Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

   Some people just don't know how to drive... I call these people, "Everybody But Me."

   If you post drama filled status updates about “cleaning out your friend's list” ...you can start with me.

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   I am tired of all the jokes making fun of the women gymnast because they have no boobs! They can bend over backwards and do splits, So........... CHECK MATE!

   Being a virgin in this day of age is something to be proud of. It is like being a unicorn!

   Only 64 more cartons and I get my FREE Marlboro casket!