Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   You can call me many things but never, ever call me a 'scofflaw'. It's a stupid word.

   If dogs wrote memoirs, they'd reveal their psychological problems came from having to wear Halloween costumes as puppies.

   Sadly, I don't think everyone ever wang-chunged on any night.

   I bet globes hate google map's guts

   the next person that tells me they have a 3 day weekend is getting a firework shoved up their poop shoot!

   While Prince may have found his mother demanding. Maybe she just didn't want to see him wear a frilly purple suit everyday

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   my GF and I have so much in common, she thinks I'm the best looking, kindest, smartest, best lover, most considerate, humblest, man in the world...and I agree

   I had a dream that all the neglected MySpace Profiles came back and wanted vengeance.

   Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows

   Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Because everyone hates old mice

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   I just got an email from Facebook that I have 7 friends with birthdays this month. I didn't even know that I had 7 friends, or Facebook.