Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Stories that have been ripped from the headlines are the best. Except the ones ripped by bears. They're really hard to read.

   I hope your affairs are in order. Harold Camping says today is rapture day. Again.

   Babies are the two extremes on the spectrum of smell. They either smell like heaven filled with lollipops or a microwaved porta-potty.

   If you're the type of person who says "surprise me" to your waiter, then, Surprise! Your waiter hates you!

   When people say they can't do something because their hands are full I always hope their hands are full of twinkies.

   Hip Hop in the 90s was more simple. You always knew you could find all the party people in the house.

   If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

   If I were a Miss USA contestant, my go-to answer in the Q&A segment would be "Who cares? Did you see my rack and smile combo?"

   There's not many things more awkward than telling a guy with a rebel flag t-shirt you're from Gettysburg, Pa

   Glass blowers always go glass to mouth

   Many admit to being fools for love. But only Foghat had the guts to admit to being fools for the city

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   If someone says "I love you," and you don't feel the same way, say "I love Youtube" really fast

   Even as we speak, the Fine Young Cannibals try to find a way to revive their careers in light of recent news stories on cannibalism.

   I owe my bookie $300.I bet on a fight before I realized it was Rocky 4. I did the same thing with Space Jam and Air Bud

   i farted at work today, and a co-worker complained about the smell. Its air passing over $h!t what'd you expect it to smell like?!

   Shot some fish in a barrel today. More difficult than you'd think.

   FACT: being a constant delight just comes naturally to me.

   A semi-literate bear enthusiast will feel misled after clicking on the "grisly photo" link in Yahoo News Libya coverage.