joser Funny Status Messages

   Disinfecting my kitchen right now with the glass of vodka and Red Bull that I just spilled all over the countertop.

   No one has ever complimented me on my mountain fresh scent. Either people are jerks or this body wash is bullsh*t.

   Dear Santa, Don't bother coming to my house this year. I've been naughty and it was f*cking worth it, you judgemental son of a b*tch!

   One night stands in hotel rooms just don't do it for me anymore. ...That's why I always ask for a bed with two night stands.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   My therapist said I let other people control my emotions to much. I don't think that's true at all, what do you think?

   Evidently that good Samaritan bullsh*t doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Stupid bloody garbage trucks waking me up at noon.

   Hey lady in the other car, eating and talking on your cell phone. It's called a Ford Focus, not a Ford Multi-task.

   My gf says I never listen to her (or something like that)

   Target is nothing more than Walmart in a tuxedo t-shirt.

   Light switches that flip up for off should be banned

   Cyber sex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded Starbucks.

   These food stamps taste terrible...

   69 is the Kamikaze of oral sex. "If I'm going down, you're coming with me!"

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   Censorship is █ very ██████ █████ in █████ ██████...

   Deleting your Facebook account is a quick way to find out what people will say at your funeral.