doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   Show me on this Elmo doll where the bad man touched you...

   Dear suicidal insects on my windshield: Stop it, I can't see.

   Only God can judge me, and my neighbors. And my friends. And Family. And random drivers while I lip sync "Call me Maybe" while on the Interstate.

   Today my daughter asked me if beavers have whiskers. I told her it's the woman's right to choose

   I don't understand why so many of you are unhappy. They sell vodka where you are, don't they?

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   I never got any good mail on Saturday anyway.

   My resolutions are the same as last year: try to make it all the way through, or not, whatever.

   My elf on the shelf is just a credit card bill I move around to pretend I dealt with it.

   BREAKING: Kazakhstan threatens retaliation over release of BORAT.

   I read "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" in 4 hours yesterday. I know it's only 6 words, but I was still impressed with myself.

   I'm so lazy I just gave up halfway through a shrug.

   i don't want a girlfriend I want an accomplice

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   RIP Khaddafi. Also, RIP Qaddafi. And let us not forget: RIP Ghaddafi. And just to be safe, RIP Caddaphee.

   I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.