andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I just called. To say. I texted you.

   A certain "je ne sais quoi" is a terrible thing to have in a French hospital.

   The great thing about waking up to 3 feet of snow is it gives me a legit excuse to skip my usual 5:30am 20K run.

   I read that cucumber slices over your eyes reduce puffiness and wrinkles but they just made me drive into a tree

   If people say you're acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you're totally nailin' it.

   What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?

   John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt has got to be one of my top 5 favorite songs about identity theft

   Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!

   I had an epiphany, but I forgot it while I was trying to spell epiphany.

   You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head

   "This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel

   The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.

   BREAKING: PETA releases shock video of tiger, caught by toe, being detained despite hollering.

   I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks

   Here's to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.

   I'm not hard of hearing. I'm tired of hearing.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that 'take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve' thing that girls do

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Dear Europe, I lost a bet and have to watch a soccer game. Question: do these things end or do the players just die of old age?