StonerDudee Funny Status Messages

   I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn't want to go to in the first place.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   I think its nice my vacuum cleaner has head lights....just in case I wanna wake up in the middle of the night and clean in the dark, or wake up my dog making him think he's getting hit by a train.

   Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.

   If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   The condoms need to be located in the fu*king baby aisle Next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans

   Febreeze should make underwear.

   I think the greeter at Walmart should apologize to you when you walk in the door.

   Beyonce, Rihanna and Katy Perry sent prayers to the victims of Oklahoma. I feel like an idiot now, I only sent money.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   The average person has sex 89 times a year. This is gonna be one hell of a week.

   Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in this store!

   I thought this Mexican Restaurant was closed because only 1 car was in the parking lot, but it was completely packed inside!

   Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

   Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger... at least one of them anyway.

   Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics' album at 4am.

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   Whenever you think your job sucks, remember; At least you're not the guy, at Instagram, that has to search for and delete all the d!ck pics.