JAKE Funny Status Messages

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   Easter is April 1st this year which is also April fool's day. So to celecrate both days together, I will be dyeing raw eggs this year.

   Wouldn't it be nice if you could adjust the brightness level of people like you can on your TV?

   When I see "you are here" on a map makes me wonder how did they know I was going to be there.

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   Before I die I'm going to eat a bag of popcorn kernels. My cremation should be spectacular.

   You know your house is dirty when people wipe their feet when they are leaving.

   Saw a new woman's talk show called "The Woman's Talk hour." It's on weekdays from 1pm to 3:30pm.

   When the shovel was invented, it was a ground breaking experience.

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   My friend ask me why I was still single. I said I'm single by choice..... Unfortunately it's not by my choce

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won, though.

   A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.

   I injured my privets in a surfing accident. I slam my laptop closed when my wife walked into the room.

   Never hire an elecetrician with fuzzy hair