Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Don't you hate it when you brush your tongue then gag from going too far back!!? If no or n/a, please contact me, ASAP. Chics only, please. K thanks.

   Saw a hobo with a sign today reading "I need clothes." So, only wanting to help, I yelled "You spelled JOB wrong!"

   If we all band together and don't show up for work tomorrow, we could put an end to this 'wake up on Monday' nonsense once and for all. Spread the word.

   If someone doesn't ask me, "What in the hell is wrong with you?" at least once a day, I feel like a failure.

   I just saw a dude put sunscreen on his back by squirting it on a wall and backing into it.

   Husband: Let's try a different position tonight. Wife: That's a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

   It's a good thing I have Facebook. Otherwise I'd be doing something dumb right now like being efficient at my job.

   They say spiders, bears and snakes are as scared of us as we are of them. They have an advantage over people, though. They're probably pretty damned sure people aren't going to bite them.

   There are two sides to every argument, but I don't have time to listen to yours.

   I'll drink to that!! - Me, after anyone says anything.

   Jenna Jameson was arrested for a DUI which means she can now add the breathalyzer to the long list of things she's blown.

   Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(

   I've never fully accepted or mastered many of the key elements of being a grown up.

   Some people should "dance like no one's looking" where I can't see them.

   Iif time travel were possible, my future self would have shown up to slap some sense into me by now.

   You know you're fat when you sit in the bath and the water in the toilet rises.