Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   I just started using the new Timeline on Facebook. Maybe I can trace my life back to when I actually gave a sh!t.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   I ripped a 8 second fart and my girlfriend says "You're gross." I ran out of the room yelling "YOU DON'T SUPPORT ANYTHING I DO!"

   I hate when I have trouble opening a jar or bottle I closed myself earlier -- a time when, obviously, I possessed superhuman strength and no regard for the weaker me I would eventually become.

   Please, smart people, stop getting out of jury duty.

   If you lick your sandwich in front of me so I won't steal it when you walk off, I will lick the other side.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   This ban on texting while driving only makes things worse. Now I have to worry about driving, texting AND not getting caught texting.

   Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

   Either my shirt shrunk in the wash or, a more likely reason, those four push-ups per day have made me a BEAST.

   Unfortunetley for me, mirrors dont talk. Lucky for you, they dont laugh either.

   Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.

   Don't tell your boyfriend that your friend is slutty... It will only intrigue him...

   There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.

   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   When your girlfriend asks, "Do I look fat?" the correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

   Why do men twist their wedding ring? They are trying to work out the combination.

   When someone threatens me I try to diffuse the situation with humor and then punch them in the throat while their laughing.

   People only bring up your past when they are intimidated by your present!

   A few years ago while I was on vacation, on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?" I said "My glasses."