Funny Status Messages

   parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

   My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

   me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out

   For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

   "My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints

   Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not

   Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

   When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.

   Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

   I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

   Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

   [coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

   Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.

   Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light. He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o

   [teaching teen to drive] Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie. Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat? Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

   Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

   If your ever feeling unloved and unwanted where no one calls or text you anymore, let me give you a word of advice I gave to a friend that instantly fixed her problem, which is check to make sure your phone isn't in airplane mode.

   just found out the guy I'm dating is married. wild. I always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.