Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I don't keep up with such things, but is there a male Eastern European porn star named Vlad the Impaler yet?

   Pouring out a jar of marshmallow fluff. For my Peeps.

   Just saw graffiti of someone's Twitter name. It's official- the world is ending.

   A new study says people who sit a lot die sooner. Basically, if you're a tennis umpire with a roommate who paints portraits, you're screwed.

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   I shaved my chest hair into a Superman "S". Ironically, I feel completely powerless and will probably endure a humiliating beatdown

   Feel I could meet the woman of my dreams today. Hopefully not the one from the dream where I'm being shot at by a lady dressed as a clown.

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. I wouldn't have it any other way

   My superpower is saying "you too" after the waitress giving me my food says "enjoy your meal."

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   People who say "think outside the box" should be forbidden from ever judging other people's creativity.

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses.

   If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do?

   The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.

   Fact: All guys have at least one friend that they address only by their last name.