Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   If you'd asked me to guess which groups would be really into wearing sunglasses, I would not have gotten 'blind people.'

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.

   If I were a pharmaceutical company, I'd name my next drug "Magnifizac".

   Overly wordy and verbose words are ubiquitous.

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   its time to call clowns what they really are- smiling murderers

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   teens are getting drunk on Purell. But to be fair, it tastes better than Jagermeister.

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   I called a company and heard "Baby got back" while I was on hold. At first it seemed cool, but do I really want Health insurance from a company that plays Sir Mix-a-lot?

   Next time someone gets in your face and says, "Anytime. Anywhere." say, "Melbourne. 6 years from now."

   Ordered a plunger and a snare drum on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, thank me

   My Ouija board keeps saying "Boo! LOL J/K!" Stupid teenage ghosts.

   roses are grey. tulips are grey. violets are grey. cause I am a dog.

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   I am still disappointed that I was not nominated for a BET award.

   Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   Tip: you can save a step in the morning by putting mouthwash on your cereal instead of milk.