mtq Funny Status Messages

   Florida Folks: "♫ ♫ We have joy, we have fun, we have seasons in the sun. ♫ ♫" Up North Folks: "F**k you, Florida."

   2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic: USE a feather. Kinky: Use the whole chicken

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)

   THIS JUST IN: CHILD ACTOR BUCKWHEAT HAS CONVERTED HIS RELIGION TO ISLAM. HE WILL NOW GO BY THE NAME, "KAREEM OF WHEAT''. FILM AT ELEVEN.

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   I like my women like I like my cheese. White American singles.

   Damn deceptive thumbnail pics. You think you're seeing some hot little sweetie, then you click on it to enlarge the thing, and it's a cake!

   I took Nyquil and Dayquil. I forgot how to tell time.

   I had a terrible dream last night. I was a baby and Dolly Parton was my mom and she bottle fed me.

   The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.

   I go to a Weight Watchers meeting. I dump out a carton of Whoppers malted Milk Balls on the floor. The next thing you know, I'm watching a live version of the Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

   "That was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy." ~Amy Farrah Fowler

   Okay class. Today is our field trip to the Planetarium. Did everyone remember to bring pot brownies?

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   A Chinese woman said me, "You have no crass". I didn't know whether she was complimenting or insulting me.

   A guy from the Saw Mill runs to the Doctor. He screams, "Help me, Doc! I just sawed off all my fingers!" The Doc says, "Calm down, we can reattach them, where are they?" "I AIN"T GOT EM!" "How come?" The guy goes, "I COULDN'T PICK 'EM UP."

   Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came, I saw, I stuck around.

   Being a modest guy, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the lady at the desk, "I hope the p0rn channel in my room is disabled." She goes, "Nooooo, it's regular people-p0rn, you sick ba$tard.”