joseph Robert Funny Status Messages

   I'm glad I have work today. Who wants to celebrate Presidents' Day with this dude in office? In any case, happy bday month to George and Abe. You guys were pretty awesome.

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   It's a shame that all these die-in protesters aren't actually dying

   The McRib is like the undead of the sandwich world, it keeps coming back. #ZombieFood!

   Oxiclean commercials just aren't the same without Billy Mays. Also late night tv needs more Vince from Shamwow. That hooker prob had it coming

   Bacon is meat candy

   Note to self: The acronym for "Save the Date" is not appropriate to include all over a work memo

   My haiku for the day: Please this is tourture, evaluate your bitstrip, you don't look like that.

   I killed Bigfoot! I also have a few aliens in my basement! You gotta trust me because I said so! Oh by the way I have pictures but you can't look at them!

   Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people

   The real Christmas miracle is how quick I go broke

   finally a Godfather! But I'm going to let the kid call me God for short

   In memory of matcho man R.S. and in preparation for the Rapture, I'm going to buy enough slim jims to snap in to for the next five months

   It seems all the girls in my school decided to go as a 21 yr old with low self esteem and daddy issues. Must have been weird for them to all have the same costume on

   NOTE: God only takes those He wants.... Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus will be here FOREVER. For-ev-er.

   The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her

   Trying to fix my oven door in my apartment, but I couldn't find a screwdriver. Guess I'll just have to make one. #VodkaOrangeJuice #ProblemSolved

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   I just found 20 dollars! I guess good things do happen to bad people!

   I think I'm going to call in raptured to work on monday