jake Funny Status Messages

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   How to look like a productive hubby. Add things to your to do list that dosen't need to be done. So you'll have things crossed off when your wife checks the list.

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   When I was a kid I could climb mountians. Now I have to steady my self to fart.

   I never make any plans unless I have a way of getting out of them.

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   Back in the day google was the encylopedia.

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   . I think mydog looks out the window when I leave for work to see that's it safe to lay on the sofa.

   Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.

   What blood type does a pessimists have? ...... B negative.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   Buying Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, is like paying back for all the free Halloween candy I got when I was a kid.

   Viagra is like Disney land, the both make you wait a hour for a three minute ride.

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.