hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.

   I've decided I'm not going to have kids. I love babies, but I'm just not ready for the commitment of uploading that many photos to Facebook.

   I got life alert just in case I ever get a life.

   I hope my New Year's Resolution to only say nice things about people isn't misinterpreted as a vow of silence.

   My retirement plan is pretty much dependent on the Mayans being right.

   It's very important that EVERYONE gets a flu shot this year so I don't have to.

   This dude working at Subway is looking at me like he's never had anybody ask him to put some Government Cheese on a sub sandwich before.

   When you were a kid there was nothing more satisfying as when you made the honking signal to the truck driver and he honked back

   I don't know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.

   I think about running away from home more often as an adult than I ever did when I was a kid.

   I'm going to retire and live off my savings. What I'll do the second day, I have no idea.

   Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house

   Dog's Facebook status: Tried to save the master from the vacuum cleaner today… He just yelled at me.

   The 5-second rule should also apply to anything a guy says to a woman. If she looks like she is getting angry, we have 5-seconds to take it back.

   Showing your love used to be buying them flowers or writing a poem. Now it's just looking at them for 5 minutes without checking your phone.

   If you aren't sure if you like someone, here's a test: imagine they're dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?

   Slippery Slope of New Years Resolutions: 1st Resolution: Go to the gym every day. 2nd: Feel guilty for not going. 3rd: Pie.

   I guess I should come up with a plan B in case the murderer that breaks into my house figures out how to get this blanket off of me.

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.