Mark M Funny Status Messages

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

   Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

   Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.

   Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.

   This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

   A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

   Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them!

   New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000

   A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

   I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

   Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

   It was April Fools' Day yesterday. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks....

   Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."

   McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?