GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Due to the extreme coal shortage, Santa will be giving out Justin Bieber cds to all the bad kids this year.

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   You women may be surprised to learn that making us sleep on the couch really isn't that bad. It's kind of manly, makes us feel like we are out camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   Men marry a woman, hoping she's a nymphomaniac, and in a few years, the nympho leaves, but the maniac stays.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas.

   Marriage tip: If your wife wants to play video games with you, just remind her that the dishwasher makes awesome arcade sounds.

   Every year, my Christmas list begins with "Dear Santa, my sisters did it. But I have been very good this year, because I'm an angel!

   Volkswagen should bring back the Beetle as an electric car. They can call it the Lightning Bug.

   I just saw a mosquito with a coat on. They're not giving up!

   A blonde finds out she's going to have twins and starts crying. "What's wrong," the doctor asked, "Do you not want twins?" The blonde replied, "No, I don't know who the second dad is!"

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   I don't know whose manager needs to hear this but pizza is not a bonus.

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away but I lose Wi-Fi signal in my kitchen.

   If you call me from a private number, I'll respect your privacy and not answer.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.