Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   You can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   Behind every great man is a great woman telling him he's not as great as he thinks he is.

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   A fax? You're sending me something via fax? What is it, an important document from 1993?

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   I can't seem to find Funkytown on Google Maps.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   The people who need firecracker safety tips aren't the people who read firecracker safety tips.

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   if you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn't be telling you this"

   I thought when people lie to me their pants were supposed to catch on fire. Turns out that's a lie also. Trust no one.

   I need to do laundry so bad I'm actually wearing Christmas stockings

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   I'm that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.

   My hobbies include trying to close the elevator door before someone else gets on.

   Fun thing to do #26: Stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.

   No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.