Funny Status Messages

   Hey I just met you. and this is crazy. But theirs the Kitchen. A sandwich maybe?

   I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.

   One man's toxic sludge is another man's potpourri

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes,i'll even put it in my food.

   My dad called Justin Bieber a tool. My life is complete.

   TIP TO REDUCE WEIGHT! first turn your head to the left...then turn your head to the right,..repeat this excercise evrytime you are offerd something to EAT

   God could've saved us a lot of time by just giving us one commandment. Thou shalt not enjoy thyself.

   ...3346,3347,3348,3349- DAMN SHEEP I WISH THEY'D DO THEIR DAMN JOBS!!!! *sigh*...3350,3351,3352...

   I am like that one song on your iPod that's five times louder than the rest.

   Poking holes in your friend's condoms; it's all fun and games until your girlfriend ends up pregnant.

   Texting+Facebook=Textbook. So..., I'm studying?

   Dear huge spider that was in my shower, I'm sorry I killed you. The ugly fact of nature is I was just bigger than you. Had you been a hungry tiger...It would be me waded up in a kleen

   Its almost the time of year when I don't have to worry about leaving footprints in the snow when I'm looking through your window at night.

   I miss the 80's. The temperatures, not the decade.

   I had a real shot of becoming famous and getting my own episode on Hoarders, But then my Wife cleaned up after me.

   I just made a milkshake and now all the boys are in my yard..

   Gotta love Ben & Jerry's and their unique ice cream flavors. But their latest flavor, "Schweddy Balls", is leaving a bad taste in some conservative moms' mouths.

   Broke up with my crossed eyed boyfriend.. because he was seeing other people.

   you know when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over??? I feel like THAT all the time...

   It's not a Toomah!!