Funny Status Messages

   Myspace has invaded Facebook > Facebook Movie...

   I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.

   I bet the first guy to get his woman flowers was like, "What's something that'll start out beautiful, but quickly die like my relationship?"

   Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?

   Going back onto work for the first time after vacation is like running into someone you once knew who you never really liked anyway.

   "I've lost my marbles" ~ Bulimic Bulimic Hippos.

   After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?

   A sculptor built a 5280 foot statue of Mick Jagger for his 50th birthday. That's a huge mile Stone.

   My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

   To the person who corrected my grammar online, I killed you’re whole family

   LSU ranked #1. Bama fans ain't been this mad since they moved the Sudafed behind the counter at Walmart.

   Can we celebrate Thanksgiving this year and be thankful for all we have before we start thinking about all the cheap Chinese made plastic junk we don't need for Christmas?

   My new years weight loss plan is eating pasta and then antipasta.

   I have a lot of imaginary friends. They are real people, I just have to pretend they are my friends.

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

   wife: it looks too tight me: it's fine, let's just go [ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

   Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

   I'm pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door. -Me, at KFC

   McDonalds …closing thigh gaps since 1967.

   Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.