Funny Status Messages

   I talk a lot of crap for someone who still says "righty tighty lefty loosy" before turning anything

   I'm not the person my browser history insists I am.

   Alimony should be spelled allmymoney

   Most licenses expire..... Except for the one most husbands wish would.

   Where do crazy people ride their bikes? On a psychopath.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   Your first mistake was asking her what she is thinking and your second was listening to her reply.

   Assuming intelligence on some people is a big mistake you will regret.

   I am 32 yrs old. I just googled what "Gluten" was. I had no idea.....

   My comfort zone is any place that I don’t have to wear pants.

   being #1 isn't always the best, the most popular pencil is #2 .

   Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.

   Real life friends? In this economy??

   HAPPY PROCRASTINATION DAY! which was actually March 25th but I'm just getting around to it.

   with school starting back tomorrow, don't forget to thank the bus driver #Fortnite

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   Looking for a date, he must -be an alpha male -not shave -howl at the moon -not eat all the dog biscuits at once -ok I’ve been single for too long