Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.

   I'm really going to crap my pants today if there is an apocalypse. Of course, I might just crap them anyhow, regardless what happens.

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"

   Tebow is white, plays against Miami, loved by fans, and only plays well in the 4th quarter - he's the anti-LeBron

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   Every time I see you my heart flutters, and time slows down. So either I'm in love or having a stroke!

   85% of women go through life with the wrong bra size. Meanwhile every guy over 17 can tell you the exact measurement of their d!ck. Who's smarter now ladies?

   You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.

   If you eat seafood can you go swimming right away?

   Rihanna sings about how chains and whips excite her. I wonder if her ancestors felt the same way!

   Remember when there was a time limit on the drinking fountain as a kid? They need that at the Redbox!

   Instead of "lol" try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol". Laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud

   My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.

   Natalie Portman has named her newborn son Alef. Like the kid wasn't going to get beaten up enough for mom helping to ruin Star Wars.

   Philadelphia is out of batteries. Not sure if its cause of the hurricane or cause football season is about to start

   Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?