hihuggiehi Funny Status Messages

   I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.

   I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life

   freak people out in public restrooms by saying "come in" when they knock on the stall door

   There's nothing more awkward then asking "who is this" when getting a heartfelt holiday text.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?

   Louis Vuitton's selling $68 condoms? Fine by me. Anyone idiotic enough to spend that much money on a condom probably shouldn't breed.

   I just turned my keyboard upside down and shook it over my desk and now I don't have to go grocery shopping for at least two weeks.

   Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls

   I'm starting to think I'll never be old enough to know better.

   People would probably piss me off a lot less if I was allowed to drive a tank.

   Sure it looks like an innocent candy cane now, but give me 5-7 minutes and it'll be a dagger I can take out my enemies with.

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   Just once, I wish WebMD would tell me "relax...it's only gas".

   I'm surprised more people don't Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores?

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily because my head..... SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES!! KNEES AND TOES!!

   Doing pretty good so far on my 1500 calorie a day diet as long as I don't eat anything else today and tomorrow.