eengrms Funny Status Messages

   The American Music Awards are so predictable... I didn't win a single award again this year...

   If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?

   I just tried to find something in my wife's purse. I think I hit the wrong combination of buttons and now the sky is turning black...

   The level of patience I have with stupid people is actually pretty remarkable...

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but believe my days around here are numbered...

   I need to see a shrink to discuss my Shamrock Shake abandonment issues...

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   So we can beam a crystal clear selfie of Pluto from 3 billion miles away but vending machines will still not take my dollar if it has a wrinkle...

   “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...

   This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...

   I hate being petty and wishing misfortune on others, but some days it's just necessary...

   There's really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn't been invented...

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   Why do they still use smoke to singal the pope vote? Don't they have a twitter account now?

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...

   My wife said that to make our relationship work, we both need to make sacrifices. I've chosen a goat...