bill Funny Status Messages

   Somewhere there's an alien cleaning bird poo off his spaceship right now.

   My question: how did that monkey in Zanesville get herpes in the first place?!

   Big shout out to Jason Voorhees! Party at Camp Crystal Lake tonight with a lot of love making....Be there or be square!!

   Travel Tip: Don't fly on Southwest, unless you like your airplanes with sunroofs........

   The strangest thing about Obama's birth certificate is that it lists Joe Biden as a witness to his birth. Other than that, it appears fine........

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union: It sucks. We're broke. Quit *itching. Goodnight.

   I was about to beat up a toddler until I saw everyone's cartoon Facebook pics and got an overwhelming urge to stop.

   Obama thinks that $172,000 a year is a modest salary. Scratching my head .....I want a modest salary!!!

   Dance like the photo isn't being tagged, love like you've never been unfriended, and tweet like nobody is following....

   Clearly - Tiger Woods is getting laid again......

   Do you have to fly to go get one of those TSA airport pat-downs? Just asking

   Capsule used to rescue Chilean miners is now a prototype for all new coach seats on all US domestic flights....

   Happy Government Shutdown Day everyone!!

   Screw Earth Day!! I used to be a planet too.... - Pluto

   Horse meat is now legal food. Look for McDonald's to introduce the supersized McStallion, low fat McMare, and super lean McGelding burgers, and don't forget the McPony for the kids....Thanks Obama!!

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   500 birds fell out of sky in Louisiana too? OK that's it, something crazy is going on. Where's Fox Mulder when you need him?

   Neighbor not a radioactive zombie. Btw, completely unrelated, but any ideas for an "I'm sorry" gift for someone in hospital.......

   Good morning, and a Happy Hurricane Season to all.......

   Shout out to everybody that had to work on President's Day bwahahaha