andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.

   If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way

   Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.

   I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?

   I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends

   Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go

   The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."

   I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.

   Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.

   here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.

   I dream about naps.