Unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   I got caught in the rain once. Apparently you have to bring your own piña coladas.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load

   Anyone know how long we are supposed to "Shake It Off"? Taylor never specified and frankly I'm exhausted!

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   if you're a tailor and your shop's name isn't "Britches get stitches" then what's the point?

   FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   Password security questions allow me to relive all of my childhood traumas. "Who stood you up for Senior Prom and how did your first dog die?"

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   I asked what to bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I'm bringing a wireless router.

   I don't even like typing this, but can we all agree that the spelling of "diarrhea" is nearly as gross as the symptom?

   Hangman is a great tool to teach children that if you can't spell a word, someone could lose their life because of their ignorance

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.