JEREMYCAKES Funny Status Messages

   I used to be afraid to fart in front of my new girlfriend. But today I just decided to let a big one go. She didn't mind. Her dad however was disgusted. The rest of the people at the funeral weren't too pleased either.

   I don't see why people have to say in thier status they they are getting in the shower. I don't want to picture your bare fat behind in the shower!

   My kid won't listen and my wife won't shut up! Bye bye Sanity. It was nice knowing you.

   I woke up this morning and turned on the tv. This tv evangelist was on and he said"you may not know this, but already you have SINNED." I said what could I have done? I just woke up.I'm not even out of bed. I turned and asked my sister and she didn't know

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   Canada has never made and weapons of mass destruction. We don't need them. Canada has poutine and Justin Beiber. If we make our enemies eat poutine and listen to some Beiber cds, we'll do more damage to thier arteries and eardrums than WMD's ever could.

   Well another gold for Canada in hockey. Gotta love it! You americans played a good game but this was our night. But you americans don't need to feel bad, one of your teams will probily be bringing home the Stanley Cup, so it kinda evens out.

   Charlie Sheen has been giving people advice on sobriety. Hmm, that's kind of like Tiger woods or Jessie James giving advice on how to be a good husband.

   Fortunatly the end of the world didn't occur today. Sam and Frodo managed to reach Mount Doom and destroy the ring of power. Golemn didn't make it though.

   Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver

   Never open a email with the attachment " Charlie Sheen footage". It's not a virus or anything,but lets face it, we've all had enough of that idiot lately.

   It's better to have loved and lost.........than to have stayed with the witch.

   I was talking to my friends Tom and Dave and they said " hey, do you know Doug has two a$$holes"? I said "What???" They said "It's true. Today we were walking with Doug and we heard somebody say 'Look, there's Doug.With those two a$$holes'"

   I made sushi for my dinner today. I was missing some ingrediants though, so I substituted the fish with ham, the wasabi with mustard and the rice with two slices of bread. Yum! Good sushi!

   I heard that old Paris Hilton song "Stars are blind" today. Still stinks! Listening to that song is probily more painful than getting a prostate exam from Freddy Kruger!

   Words of wisdom #1: Never buy brownies at Snoop Dogs bake sale.

   using a lightsaber to chop vegitables.

   Now I'm not going to say Snoop Dog smokes alot of pot, but last night at a concert he farted and the entire first 3 rows got the munchies.

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!