GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Marriage tip 101: Whenever you do something good for your wife, make sure to let her know. For example: "Hey honey, I put all the laundry by the laundry machine. That way you can wash the clothes after you get done with dinner."

   Did you know that Kamala Harris was in the movie The Wizard of Oz? She was the wicked witch of the west, and she didn't even have to act.

   Remember: When something goes wrong in the circus, they send in the clowns to distract the audience. Well, something has gone very wrong with this circus, and the clowns are everywhere.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   McDonald's is the only restaurant I know that repeats everything you said and still gives you the wrong order. 🙀

   I sent a ninja to your house to steal your cookies!

   Don't block all of your haters. Leave one or two so they can report back to headquarters.

   What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman? One's a super hero and the other is a simple command.

   It wasn't the Grinch that stole Christmas. It was the power bill, the gas bill, the water bill, the phone bill, rent, insurance, car payment, not to mention grocery prices.

   The holiday season is here. Remember to set your scales back 10lbs at midnight.

   The reason why hurricanes are normally named after women is because when they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are $250.00.

   If you ever meet a girl that admits she's wrong, apologizes, and changes her ways, dump her because she might be a man. Women don't do that.

   My wife told me that women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and be quiet. Well, guess what? She couldn't do either.

   I showed my Facebook page to my psychiatrist and she wants to talk to all of you.

   There. Summer is over. Hope you're happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I got social media.

   Santa, you break into people's houses and eat their cookies; don't judge me.

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   I miss the good old days when you could actually have an opinion without offending someone.