Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   If by handyman you mean someone with a nice collection of wrenches that came with unassembled furniture then yes, I'm a handyman...

   it weird that one of my nuts is bigger than the other two?

   All the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting up in my truck.

   just heard a woodpecker call me a "paranoid weirdo" in morse code.

   Bath salts side effects include: hallucinations, delusions, erratic behavior, immunity to bullets and being a terrible kisser.

   Kim Kardashian requests her privacy during this time. Just her, an E! camera crew & 30 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   "Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.

   I'm so good in bed...I'll make you forget your safe word.

   The saddest part in The Lion King 3D is that part when I can't afford a movie ticket at 27 years old.

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   Really Baileys? Non alcoholic coffee creamers? Is that to recover from the O'Doul's hangover?

   I am pretty sure I have regained my virginity.

   I know my dream woman is out there somewhere. And that her boring friend is the one who's into me.

   I'm not so much anti-social as I am pro-being left alone.

   National Sarcasm Society - Like we need your support...

   Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

   If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a drunk white woman having her picture taken in the club.

   My ex assured me that size never matter, but all of her dild@s look like they needed a lamp shade on top.

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   I hate it when people make words come out of their mouths