@The69Sheriff Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I exit a public toilet... I make sweaty eye contact with the person waiting and say “Top that, cowboy.”

   I put my WELCOME mat on the inside of my house so the world doesn't seem so scary when I leave.

   I have an appointment with a specialist to look into my memory problems... and apparently, it was yesterday.

   How have Hoarders and Antique Roadshow not joined forces yet?

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

   Shouldn't all the parking spots at Walmart be handicapped?

   What if love was like volleyball... all you have to do is call 'MINE!' and everyone else backs off...

   The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy... so I'm going to have to start sitting down when I pee.

   thinks the world would be a lot more fun if people screamed when they yawned...

   likes to believe the spell czech on my computer has never failed me.

   hates being asked if I've had any "past experience." Is there any other kind?

   I love those sayings that have 2 opposite words in them... Exact Estimate - Act Naturally - Small Crowd - Found Missing - Happily Married...

   Grandma... I know the words are similar but you "butt dialed" me... you didn't "booty call" me.

   Women can be funny sometimes... like when they say stuff like "Let's just be friends" or "Let me go and I won't tell the cops"

   If you listen closely... you can hear the gas pump tell your kids' college fund to go f*ck itself.

   Sometimes I wish I could delete other people's Facebook Status updates.

   thinks you should always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

   No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says... I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

   thinks that Google Maps can skip a few steps when giving me directions... I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

   What do you think the employee discount is at the Dollar Store? Do you think it's 'just take it'?