KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.

   Gun control is like trying to reduce drunk driving by making it tougher for sober people to own cars.

   Sometimes I wonder, "Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

   Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?

   Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it's a Booty Call!

   She asked me how to spell slut. So I helped her spell her name.

   ”How about it mate?” Australian women can be so romantic.

   Leave the thing you're supposed to do today for tomorrow cause maybe you'll die and then you won't have to do that thing.

   I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I'm not dead inside.

   Love is much more interesting when you have a DIRTY mind.

   We have a robot that shoots lasers, they have a fruit. I think androids win.

   My sexual preference is you… daily!

   You don't lose weight; you get rid of it, unless you intend on finding it again.

   Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.

   I don't know who all these people in stock photos are, but I've never met anyone who was so happy to be in a meeting.

   Real men kill spiders for their women with no goddamn backtalk.

   You deserve good things, and I want to be one of them.

   Crack the whip on yourself but be lenient with others. Unless they're into that sort of thing.

   The guy who invented underwear must have sounded crazy.